Sunday marked 5 months since I turned the ripe ole age of thirty and I know what you’re thinking: “she doesn’t look a day over 24″ and that’s why you guys are the best readers ever.
And then I took some calcium, ate dinner at 4:30 and was in bed by 9pm. I live effing dangerously.
I went to Target the other day to purchase a few early Christmas gifts (you start thinking ahead in your thirties). I was in jeans, Uggs a scarf and a long sleeved t-shirt, because it was freezing cold. I saw a few girls in their early twenties scowering the boot section in sweatpants, uggs, beanies and crop-top t-shirts. When the first thing that went through my mind was “that outfit is a contradiction”, and the second thought was “they should really put some clothes on”. And I realized my twenties are now in that rear view mirror and I’m miles away from crop tops and confusing outfit choices.
But I’m not far from child’s onesies. BECAUSE THEY’RE AWESOME.
My thirties are so much different than my twenties: not in any grandiose way that is so noticeable that people stop me and say “wow there’s something different about you!” It’s little things: changes in my body, my responsibilities and my priorities. I feel more stable and a little more balanced. I also feel like my metabolism is slowing down, which I would like reversed, if possible.
What I’m trying to say, is these last 5 months have made me an authority on being in your thirties and so, sarcastically, I’m here to show you the things you have to look forward facing as you slowly inch towards that miracle number.
And you should read that as: how I know I’m aging, sometimes gracefully and sometimes not.
I recognize NO ONE at the MTV VMAs anymore.
The VMAs were once a time-honored tradition, where we all gathered around the television in our dorm room to watch our favorite celebrities walk whatever color carpet was “in” back in those days. Even overly-accessorized Johnny Depp made an appearance and he was already in his 40s back then. Now? Not even Johnny Depp attends and I’m frantically Googling who walks the carpet these days because I AM NO LONGER UP ON MUSICAL TRENDS. *NSYNC FOR LIFE.
High school kids look like eleven year olds.
Tessa and I were at the movies a few weeks ago and there were, what seemed to be, a lot of young kids hanging out at the theater without parental supervision. “A little late for these kids to be out without their parents, am I right?” I said to Tessa. Turns out? They were juniors in high school. I heard them talking about homecoming while in the popcorn line. I realized then why using my student ID for a discounted movie ticket didn’t work.
Staying out late=11pm. 12am tops.
The aforementioned movie Tessa and I went to started at 10:40pm. I complained because it was “too late and we wouldn’t get home until after 12am.” PS: This was on a Friday.
Parties involve dinner, not kegs.
I used to love parties. Free booze, free place to crash when I got too drunk and everyone who was anyone was usually there, including the guy from the basketball team that I had a crush on. Now? If I am leaving the comforts of my couch to hang out with you, there better be food, and I’m not talking the kind you microwave: I’m talking something worth pinning, bro.
My metabolism retired early.
In my twenties I was not “skinny” but I definitely could eat like I was without gaining weight. Now? I look at pictures of food on Instagram and I gain 3 pounds.
Money matters now.
Right after college (and for a bit during college) I lived at home. I also worked part time and attended class twice a week. I had no responsibility, no worries, no debt and no sense of financial knowledge. I was able to go to Vegas on a whim with my friends, go out drinking all the time and buy new clothes whenever I wanted. Now? I have to pay rent. I have to pay bills. I have to save money for the future. And that means less going out and more money in the bank. This is the worst part of being 30.
Hangovers hurt, and 4 hours of sleep is my idea of hell.
I used to go out drinking on a Wednesday, get home at 3am, wake up at 7am and go to class all day, then go to work, then hit the bars for “Thirsty Thursday”. Now? I think bars are “noisy and crowded”, two drinks has me feeling a little sideways and I am hungover for 2 days. I look back and have no idea how I functioned on 4 hours of sleep because now? It makes me a grump-a-saurus-rex.
Here are some good things about being 30:
1. I don’t live at home anymore….which means I get to come and go as I please.
2. 401k. Health insurance. Paid vacation. We call these perks.
3. What people think of me doesn’t dictate what I wear, what I think or how I handle social situations. I say what I think, and I don’t care if people aren’t going to want to be my friend afterwards.
4. Never having to ask your parents for money because you can take care of yourself.
5. My friendship circle is solid. It takes a lot of time, work and mistakes before you get that circle just right and in your thirties? It’s just right.
6. I can afford to stay in my own hotel room. No more sharing with 15 other people because that’s all our part time jobs could afford.
7. Two words: personal style.
8. I demand what I want. I can do that, because I actually know what I want, unlike my twenties when I did what I thought was “cool”.
9. People take me seriously. Just not on this blog.
10. There’s this weird feeling that comes over you at 30: you just feel more settled overall. Life may not be exactly how you pictured it, but you’re working towards it, or you’re formulating a plan to get there. And the stuff that you thought was a big deal? Just isn’t anymore. It’s one of the weirdest, yet most satisfying feelings that is really hard to explain.
But really, I would like to have that metabolism back. I kind of wasted its good days at In N Out.